After initial recordings of his forthcoming album Feel Me As I Feel Myself failed to “make listeners realise just how uniquely bummed out I am”, Conor Oberst sought to find another way of making the world recognise his enviable capacity for human emotion.
“When people think of me these days, they think of this big hotshot guy. This total dude that helped end the war in Iraq, put Obama in the White House and banged his way round Hollywood. This legend that just like, totally rules. Or they think of me in a sexual way”.
Conor Oberst: Monster Of Choke
The project, provisionally titled ‘… sniffle’, will see the hormonal indie hero invite fans into his home for a typical Oberst evening in. Such an evening is said to consist of Oberst wooing a “not conventionally attractive but” -he was keen to stress- “still quite skinny” groupie through a combination of mildly hallucinogenic drugs and establishing what a sensitive guy he is. This portion of the evening will include Oberst demonstrating what a hurtful effect the cruel things people have said about his latest album on DrownedInSound have, tenderly stroking his pet cat and serving a nutritionally-balanced vegan meal laced with mescaline. After making gentle, but masterful, love -before weeping as he climaxes- Oberst will then carefully fold himself into the foetal position whilst explaining why his life is “hollow” and makes him feel “empty inside”. Guests will then be allowed to take it in turns to gently stroke his hair whilst whispering preapproved affirmative phrases to him.
“This is just phase one,” Oberst told us. Forthcoming projects are rumoured to include witnessing Oberst throw back appletinis whilst shouting wildly about how his critics are “just jealous of me, jealous of my lifestyle” and watching Oberst go about a regular day whilst being harangued for up to two separate autographs and be continually mistaken for Ryan Adams.
“I’ve gone as far as I can sonically. My completely unique and original pain just isn’t translating like it used to. I need to find a new way to make people feel sorry for me”. LW
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