England’s primrose Cheryl Cole is being enlisted in a ground-smashing government scheme, headed by officials of the shadiest importance, to gently whisper a sort of life mandate into the ears of new-born baby girls. The Warrington-based pilot scheme -where the need for Cole’s edict is apparently greatest- is being housed under the guise of a Clorox bleach-making factory, after officials ominously warned “Christ knows what the commies would do if they got wind of this”.
Cole is to divide her time between each individual child, whilst also recording short orations on her manifest specialist subjects. Subjects thus far include emanating a sort of glistening-gold radiance so no-one remembers previous race-hate ambiguities, and how to softly blink a perfectly-formed single tear and allow it to roll slowly down your beautiful cheek. All of which are delivered in those trademark dulcet North-East tones.
Our source secured a recording after seeing a man about a dog. “It’s not like that though. I actually needed to see a man about a dog. My dog is very ill and he was a vet. But he had one of the CD’s. It was a CD-RW, actually. Not very top-secret if you ask me”. When asked what he made of the recording, he informed us “it’s like having warm honey poured directly into your ear, but rather than just sort of solidifying and making your ear all sticky and bunged up, the honey gets right to your brain and makes you realise what it is to be a good person. Do you think I need to lose weight?”
Currently in its’ embryonic (lol!) stages, rumours are circulating of NHS-prescribed MP3s being given to all new parents. Sociologists heading the scheme were keen the emphasise that this is definitely not ‘conditioning’. LW
0 Responses to “Cheryl Cole heralds brave new world”